Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
