I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
