The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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