no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
