So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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