oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i believe in u and ur pee
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
