and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
