Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
