I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
