just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
