There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
