Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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