please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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