My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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