My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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