How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
