In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
