Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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