Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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