DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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