Someone shit on the floor
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
