Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
