I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
