I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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