She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm bleeding and have questions
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
