Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
