can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
