I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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