my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
