i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
