he thought i was a dude.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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