this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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