weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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