ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
