You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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