everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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