I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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