I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
