I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
