Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
