no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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