you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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