I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
