Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
