I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have aggressive nipples.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize