yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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