we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
