I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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