It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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