His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
did i walk over a car last night?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
