:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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