I wish I could punch you in the face.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
being pregnant is like rehab
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
