I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize