Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
