watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
