i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
