yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
